Wednesday, February 1, 2012

We play the waiting game again

Jillian was standing at her door this morning saying "MOMMA OUT! Mooooommmmmaaaaa". So I knocked on her door and said "I'm coming" and she squeals back at me "YAY!!!!!!!" I open the door to get the biggest leg hug of my life. I sat down on the floor and she wrapped her arms around me and just let me hold her for a good solid 5 minutes. She knew I needed that this morning, she just knew.

Still waiting for our call about the biopsy this morning. The problem with this adrenal tumor is it is infused the inferior vena cava making a resection very tricky. Not impossible but very tricky. If she looses her 2nd adrenal she would also be on medications for the rest of her life, I'm pretty sure if it comes down to it, I'll take that over the chance that the cancer spreads.

I think the crappiest thing about this all is how naive we were. This happens to "other" families, Not us. Definitely NOT us. It still seems like a nightmare, that's partly because it is.

I thought life would go back to "normal" but that's not the case. I have appointments every Monday and Thursday, but some are 2 hours, some are 8 hours long. It just depends. Sometimes we go in on Wednesdays, sometimes we have a surprise ER trip. So I cannot plan anything out, I can only take the girls a few select places that I know are clean. It just gets old, when does life turn back to normal?

We continue to pray (don't worry I asked God to forgive me for all of my horrible language yesterday). I have faith, I know God has a plan for us, I know that he is working even though we can't see it.

It just seems like we go 1 step forward, 2 steps back. We're pretty much stuck in limbo. I can't get anything done because I am too busy feeling sorry for my child, I've let everything fall apart around me. I'm not sure where I find strength, I'm not sure how I find motivation. I just take it minute by minute and that's the ONLY thing keeping me a float right now. I put on a brave face for everyone, I smile, I laugh, but inside I am one giant pile of mush.

This is MY baby, the one that I gave birth to. The one that showed us from the beginning that she was "special", that she had a total different attitude, a different personality, a different EVERYTHING. She is strong, she is sweet, she is amazing. And I am totally giving her permission to sleep in our bed for the next 18 years if she wants. She just has to keep on fighting, she has to make it to the next day, she has to see many many birthdays.

When I am ready to give up, throw in the towel, that sweet little smirk of her's comes out. I am going to keep moving on because I NEED that smile. I need her to someday hug me, someday give me kisses, she teaches me how to be a better person, a better mother, and a better wifestobe. Shes taught me so much already, that little girl is a rock star, and we will fight every minute of everyday until she is better.


  1. Oh my sweet Mallory, I want to kiss and hug and snuggle you so badly right now! You keep fighting, little girl, because you are a VITAL part of our family, and your mommy and daddy and sissy need to see that sweet face every single day! We love you so much!

  2. Think about how many lives Mallory has already touched at her young age. She inspires so many on a daily basis. There are people that are so much older than haven't had the impact she has. I'm glad to see you seem better. I don't know how you hold it together. I am in awe of you and what you do, and you are so real about your emotions. You will have many many years to see Mallory's sweet face. She is going to grow up to be an amazing person just like her mom. Keep us all posted. I have so many people in FL that don't care what is going on with me, lol, they just want to know how Mallory is doing. :)

  3. I love how God works through our little ones! There is no better cuddle than the cuddle of your child!