Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What the fuck?

After all that Mallory has gone through, this is the ONLY thing I can say. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK?

A year ago we announced that we were pregnant with this beautiful little girl, Jillian was dressed adorably in her "Big Sister" shirt and a year later I am heart broken. Because I had pictured this so differently in my head. Another happy healthy little girl, perfect, so perfect. And not that she's not perfect but she's had to put up a tough fight these past 2 months and to get this shitty news all over again just re opens every single wound possible. It is stabbing a knife into my chest, I hurt for my little girl.

I know its crappy to talk "bad" and have negative feelings, try to stay positive, try to keep my chin up. But I cannot bury my little girl, I can't. But those feelings are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS in the back of my head. That she could die, that I could lose her. That someday her cute smiling face won't be there.


I know we haven't run out of options, but of course we hit a road block, of course we might fall into the 10% of kids that don't respond to treatment, of FUCKING course this would happen to us.

I know we don't have all the answers, I know that there is a chance that this it is working but its a teeny tiny chance. Neuroblastoma you are a BITCH and we HATE YOU!

My daughter has suffered through 2 chemo treatments that have made her super sick, that have kept her regressed to a newborn. She can't eat, she can't sleep, and she just feels down right crummy. I just cannot take it, I can't do it. I can't hold it together, this is a load of crap.


excuse my language, I don't normally talk like this. but this is how I feel, this is what I'm feeling.

Now we get to play a waiting game, while my stomach is in knots for another week or two, while we figure out whats going on. In the mean time we wait on treatment which is just another chance for this stupid cancer to get bigger, to grow, to make my kid even sicker.


No news is not always good.

Mallory's CT showed that her Adrenal Tumor is getting larger. This could mean that the Nueroblastoma is not responding to treatment or that as it's dying it's getting bigger and pooling with blood.

We do not know anything right now. This kills us.

Her doctor is currently waiting for the surgeon to get back to him to let us know if it's possible to do a biopsy on the tumor. We are waiting on this phone call right now.

He also explained that there is some activity in the liver, what this means we are not sure but they will be watching it carefully from now on. Treatment is on hold until we are given the consultation with the surgeon on where to go from here. Which will include more waiting.

The more waiting that we do the more sick to our stomachs we get. Our poor girl has been through ENOUGH and this just adds more tests, more chemo, more everything. Seriously? Seriously? Why? Why? Why?

The only good news today is that Mallory finally rolled all the way over. She's getting bigger.