Wednesday, June 13, 2012

What I've realized.

I take a LOT of pictures for 1.

In the last 9 months I've learned more about life than I can even fathom. There are days where my mind is going a million miles an hour, but especially after the kids go to bed. One of the biggest realizations I've made is that Life is Precious. It is a gift. It is one of the greatest gifts. I've been blessed with 2 beautiful girls, Cancer could have easily taken away one of the most amazing people that I have ever met and I am forever humbled by the experience. I loved my kids before all of that came in to play but after that life will never be the same. I smell my kids differently, I hug them differently, I talk to them differently. I have been given a gift through all of the hell. They mean the world to me.

Another realization I made was that having a 2nd child made me a better Mom. It made me less uptight and less judgmental. I'd be lying if I said I didn't judge other Mom's out there because I do. I also realize that they do things differently than I do because that's what works for them and I'm sure the same goes from me to them. I mean hell I'm sure I've gotten enough comments behind the computer screen about another picture of my 2 year old with a diet coke in hand, WHAT MOM DOES THAT. Well this Mom does that, although I'm trying to break the habit and it's going pretty well. I also try to surround myself with people that discipline there children in the same way as I do, therefor I am less likely to judge. I am not perfect, my kids are not perfect, but they will know Love and Respect. We believe that instilling a good childhood sets the foundation for the rest of there life. We have fun, we don't expect our children to be anything more there age, we adapt to different situations, and we discipline as needed. I can only hope that these values will work the way that we want them too and right now our lives couldn't be any better.

 There are things that if you would have asked me if I would have done before I had Mallory, I would have said you are out of your mind! Truth be told, If I need to make Mallory a bottle, I let Jillian hang out in the backyard while I go fetch a bottle. There is NO way I would have done that if she would have been our only child. I bribe when I bring her to the grocery store, so she will sit and behave, who doesn't love to much on a doughnut while you shop. I've given Mallory more cake in 2 months than I would have ever thought. (That girl deserves her some cake). I skipped almost right over baby food with Mallory because she would rather eat what we're eating, she doesn't let 2 teeth hold her back and I don't mind one bit. She had a peanut butter cookie her last night of chemo, I called it her chemo cookie, peanut butter at 6 months old, WHAT? I wake Mallory up when she's sleeping sometimes because we have to go somewhere, Wake a Sleeping Baby? NEVER!  These are just some ways that I've adapted as we go, because it's what we do, we learn, we adapt, we become better people. I've become a better person through having a 2nd child, a very sick child at that, because I've learned that to be a good Mom means that you have to adjust to every day, you have to adapt to every situation, and things don't always pan out the way that you want them to. I certainty didn't plan to have have a Child with cancer, but we adapted, it was tough, it sucked, it wasn't fun but it made us realize how great life truly is.

My relationship with Ryan is getting better, we're working out the kinks and ten years from now we're going to laugh looking back at this all. Fear breeds anxiety, and anxiety breeds fear, and it's a vicious cycle that has consumed me from the day our dear daughter was diagnosed. We've made a lot of huge steps to get back on track and I am finally back into the swing of things. Dinner has been made every day for a week straight, now if only I could get caught up on Laundry and the dishes (some Big 3 footer keeps turning it on "rinse only" so I've had to re-run it all the time, maybe i'll get the hang of just checking it before I send it). We're having fun, making memories, and enjoying the simple things in life. It feels great.