Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What the fuck?

After all that Mallory has gone through, this is the ONLY thing I can say. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK?

A year ago we announced that we were pregnant with this beautiful little girl, Jillian was dressed adorably in her "Big Sister" shirt and a year later I am heart broken. Because I had pictured this so differently in my head. Another happy healthy little girl, perfect, so perfect. And not that she's not perfect but she's had to put up a tough fight these past 2 months and to get this shitty news all over again just re opens every single wound possible. It is stabbing a knife into my chest, I hurt for my little girl.

I know its crappy to talk "bad" and have negative feelings, try to stay positive, try to keep my chin up. But I cannot bury my little girl, I can't. But those feelings are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS in the back of my head. That she could die, that I could lose her. That someday her cute smiling face won't be there.


I know we haven't run out of options, but of course we hit a road block, of course we might fall into the 10% of kids that don't respond to treatment, of FUCKING course this would happen to us.

I know we don't have all the answers, I know that there is a chance that this it is working but its a teeny tiny chance. Neuroblastoma you are a BITCH and we HATE YOU!

My daughter has suffered through 2 chemo treatments that have made her super sick, that have kept her regressed to a newborn. She can't eat, she can't sleep, and she just feels down right crummy. I just cannot take it, I can't do it. I can't hold it together, this is a load of crap.


excuse my language, I don't normally talk like this. but this is how I feel, this is what I'm feeling.

Now we get to play a waiting game, while my stomach is in knots for another week or two, while we figure out whats going on. In the mean time we wait on treatment which is just another chance for this stupid cancer to get bigger, to grow, to make my kid even sicker.



  1. You have a right to feel everything you feel. I feel angry right now as well, very angry. I start to ask the same question, why? I don't have the answer for that. I am just going to think, I have to, that even though it was a bad day, it will have to turn around for Mallory. It just has to. I am going to hope that the doctors have wisdom to know the treatments they can try, guidance to make the right decisions, to keep going with new options and attempts. She is growing, which is a very good sign. Until then, you feel anyway you have to. Let out your emotions, cry, scream, do all of it--I can't even imagine what you are going through. Cancer is evil, and I am not going to think it's going to get it's way here. Mallory has to come through, she just has to. Period. Mallory has the heart, prayers, and support from many people in Florida, including my mom, a cancer survivor herself.

  2. It isn't easy. We all wish it was. But, I assure you that you are more and better equipped to deal with this than you think you are. Your anger alone proves my point. You will fight this injustice, persevere, and overcome. All because you are who you are, Jilly & Mally's mom.

  3. You don't always have to be positive. You have every right to say fuck you to cancer and let these feelings out. I feel awful you're having to go through this. This isn't fair at all and I'm so sorry this is happening.

  4. No words, just know you have every right in the world to feel the way you feel and nobody on earth can sit and judge you for saying what you have said. Until one can walk in your shoes, nobody has any clue what you all are going through. Im sending you, Ryan, Jilly and Mallory a huge hug

  5. Romans 15:13

    13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

    Prayers of healing, comfort, joy, and peace to you all!

  6. Ryan , I totally understand how you feel about that ugly word cancer , my dad had stomach cancer , but I just want you to remember to rely on God alittle and he will not disappoint you but you have to have faith, and again I understand were you are coming from but you have to have something to get you threw the day and that would be our loving god Jehovah !! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and Mallory that precious little beautiful baby girl !!!

  7. I feel so bad for you guys you guys are in my prayers lets all hope tht she gets better

  8. Have you thought about taking Mallory to a children cancer specialist hospital like St. Judes? I know they say the survival rates at cancer speciality hospitals for children are very high. They are so up on all the new treatments, ideas, options. Are there other chemo choices/options the doctors can explore and try? I have heard of chemo not working at all with patients, but when they try others they do.

  9. We have the BEST Doctor at Helen Devos, she is the leading expert in Neuroblastoma, we could go somewhere else but this lady is the TOP of the TOP! She oversee's Mallory's case, she is the BEST. So blessed we are where we are because of her.