Thursday, October 18, 2012

Crummmmmmy Thursday

I just had a downright cruddy day.

1. I woke up late. (Only a 1/2 an hour but I had to power shower before we headed out for clinic and make sure my hair was pretty good so we could get our family pictures done.)

2. I threw a bunch of clothes in the washer, I showered, got the girls up, threw them (well ok not threw) in the tub, did my hair while they bathed, I hear a massive rattling downstairs. Lovely. Washer is not working right.

3. Made it to Clinic with Mallory, met with her oncologist, he showed us pictures of the original tumor and what it looks like now. Phew, makes you feel more at ease seeing that, the chemotherapy did a number on that stupid Neuroblastoma. We spent 3 hours total in clinic today, most of it waiting, they also took her urine to do a Catacholomine test.

4. As we're leaving clinic, Ryan plays a message on his phone, our car is officially ca-put. Totaled. Blah, way to go ash, way to go. At least I have a Great Husband that laughed and shrugged it off.

5. Made it home, laid Mallory down for a nap, hung out with Jillian while she played with Play-dough, I proceeded to clean out my "craft" closet which has been a MESS. I could barely shut the door, but I moved all the totes of toys out of their and into Jillian's closet (you know the massive amount of little leggo's, kitchen food, that she does not NEED all of them out at once.)

6. Got the call shortly after my cleaning spree that Mallory's numbers are elevated, not enough to concern the doctors, but enough to concern me. In August they were 19.4 / 13.5 and now there 33.6 / 16.7, as a mom the worst thing that comes to mind is "relapse", so my once again amazing Husband told me to just go about with daily life and try not to stress myself sick. But easier said than done, I just want to get to the year point, I don't want to wish away the time we have but seriously can we just hit a year, can we just put all of this cancer shit behind us, at least when we hit a year her chances significantly decrease. Because every time I think about it, I just want it to be DONE.  Every time a bump happens it makes me sick, it makes me so afraid, my fears surface once again. Cancer has enlightened me, but it has also taught me mortality, and life is precious and I just want this little life the rest of my life. Because I love her with all of my heart and more. So I'm going to try really hard to get through this next month, I'm going to try not to cry, and I'm going to try to keep living like I was before but sometimes it's just downright hard to deal with.Especially because they use catacholomines as a rough number, they can be effected by diet, but they also can be effected by diet, so its tough to know whats going on until her scans, but I just pray that it was the applesauce I fed to her because we followed her intake of the list we've been given to a T.

It's hard to know that my daughter is harboring a tumor no matter the size of it, I praise the Lord that it's smaller, but I just want it gone, I don't want it to be in her tiny little body, I just want it OUT.

7. Jillian and I went and bought felt and poodle's and rick rack edging, and after we got the girls in they're pajamas I headed off to my Mom's and she helped me sew they're cute little skirts up for Halloween so at least I have another thing checked off my list.

It by far wasn't the worst day I've ever had, but I've had much better days. Much less frustrating, much less emotional, but in each day we take we just keep pushing forward no matter the thing's life has dealt us, we just keep going. It's all we can do. Some days are just downright tough.

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty, the glass never empty
And know in your belly, you're never alone

May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having
As every year passes, they mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest as much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly, this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone