Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Some days you just need to cry.

I hit my emotional breakdown point yesterday, yep the one where you throw all of your extra baggage on the parking attendant of the Children's Hospital. That poor, poor man.

I spent a few hours in the ER with Mallory yesterday, they couldn't give me any answers as to why she will not sleep. There is nothing else they can give her to make her feel better, sleep better, or to get her back to her happy self. She's gaining weight, slowly, but gaining so there are no answers to why she won't eat more and there is nothing I can. As a Mom this makes you feel like dirt, complete crap, and it just isn't fair that my baby has to go through this.

What I am feeling is normal, the way I feel is OK. I've come to terms with that. I've realized I am not SUPER Mom, I cannot do this alone, and I have asked for help. I need help. I have a history of depression and it's just seeping through my veins now, I am stuck.

I have wonderful parents who have stuck by me in every possible situation in life. Even myself being a naughty kid who banged her head on everything as a child (yep that's why I have a scar across my forehead), pushing my brother around, and I was defiant teenager (ohhhhh my the things they never knew)! Through Jillian's colic, teething, and eye doctor apts and surgery. Now through this with Mallory, There are NO WORDS that even come close to describing how THANKFUL I am for them. Without them I would have walked away, I would be curled up in a ball crying my eyes out in a corner on a daily basis, without them I wouldn't be who I am today. And I am forever grateful for them.

I am so in love with my silly girls. They are what keeps me going.

So this is just what life is going to be life for awhile, I've accepted that. I just have to get through it, just a few more months Ash, just a few more months.