So yesterday I had this GREAT idea to plan a wedding in 3 weeks.
Ryan wasn't too keen on the idea.
We were supposed to get married on July 7th of this year, it was supposed to be a glorious sweet simple small wedding. Things got rocky between Mallory's chemo and our never ending arguing.
Something had to give, and for me that was planning our wedding. I honestly couldn't take on any more stress, I couldn't help but wonder if Mal's counts would be good enough to go, if we'd have an ER trip the day of our wedding, because at the time we were looking at Chemo going into her 1st Birthday pretty much, so I got stuck. I had enough of Cancer, of having it run our lives, arguing over EVERYTHING, I had enough of trying to juggle who was taking the girls, I had enough. I was tired of it, our little girl didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time, exhaustion made it impossible to get through the day. So between the constant yelling and bickering and misery we split, it was the worst idea I've ever had. Now there's a line that seperates us, that wasn't there before, a line that has to be mended, it has to be fixed now. I just don't know what else I could have done at the time, I just wanted out of the crap we'd been dealt, and Ryan was the only person to take it out on.
We've been together for 7 years. SEVEN GREAT AMAZING YEARS, I think yesterday I was feeling a bit of resentment towards myself for not being able to get married, because the only thing I want in the world right now is to marry my best friend. That's the only thing that matters to me.
I feel terrible, awful, miserable knowing that we were supposed to make that BIG STEP in 3 weeks and we can't. It was a great thought I suppose, we just have different expectations of having a wedding. I don't care who comes, I'd be happy with a Vegas wedding just the 2 of us, and Ryan wants a bigger wedding than I envision. It's a tricky, tough situation. Something we're just going to have to figure out. I've been bawling since last night and it just won't stop, when did life get so complicated on us?
This whole situation just breaks my heart, I just want to marry my best friend and spend the rest of my life with him. End of Story.