Friday, January 13, 2012

You make me laugh when I want to cry

So since the birth of Mallory I have not had a moment to "think" about Ryan and I's relationship, We've pushed it to the sideline, and we have just been coexisting. We knew that this would happen, that babies cause stress, an imbalance, and it takes time to readjust but throw in Cancer and it takes an even bigger tole on a relationship.

Tonight I arrived at the Baymont Hotel room at 5:30, by myself, with a heavy load on my heart and mind. It's time for a Momcation. A Momcation is where you just step back, be selfish, and relax. Something I have not been able to do in a few months, the stress of the last month and a half has been overwhelming.

I love my girls with all my heart which is why I am stepping away for a few days, so I can rebuild my strength, feel better, and get on with life again.

I hit the point where I couldn't sleep but needed to, couldn't eat but I needed to, couldn't stop crying but needed to. I felt myself falling apart, I felt like I just could no longer be a good Mother, a Good person, or a Good Wifetobe. So here I am checked into a hotel, because I need a much needed break.

The guilt of being a bad "Wife to be" is horrible. I have been short, snippy, and just a miserable person to be around and unfortunately most of this gets thrown at Ryan. He asks me "How I am doing" and somehow I find this offensive, I find everything offensive. I haven't given him any credit lately.

Let me tell you something about Ryan.
He is a good Dad, no let me take that back He is a GREAT DAD! These girls are the luckiest girls in the whole world because they have Ryan.

He is my best friend.

And I do not give him enough credit.

Ryan is the type of person that puts other peoples needs in front of his own, he is what has been keeping me together. He makes me laugh. He makes me a better person. This Man is AMAZING.

Life has thrown us a curve ball, and it sure doesn't feel fair. But we will make it Babe, we will.

So here I am, feet up in a king size bed, I've already taken a shower, ate dinner, and relaxed. And the only person I can thank right now is Ryan. Because he is truely amazing, because when everything is falling down around us he stands tall. He takes care of us. And I love him so much. He has been so supportive, he loves his ladies, and by giving me a break this weekend he understood that I needed it, that it was the only way to get me back on my feet. Girls be jealous because I am NOT giving him up, EVER, EVER, EVER!

I love my family and I miss them but for the next 2 nights I am going to work on me, feeling better, and get myself back together to help Miss Malibu kick this cancers ass.


Happy Friday the 13th :-)

Lets see Mallory has had a great day so far

  • 3 blood draws (1 the lady messed up and they had to come back for more blood)
  • She has high potassium which is why they took blood, it could be a fluke or it could be signs of problems with her kidneys. Obviously we are hoping for the chance that its a "fluke"
  • She all of a sudden developed a rash around her Broviac and under her arm pit. They gave her a dose of benadryl to hopefully calm it down.
  • She also has a wicked rash all over her lady bits.
  •  I thought she was getting a tooth, but she's starting to get mouth sores so nope my 3 month old does not have a tooth.
  • After careful documentation the nurses have informed me she eats every 1-1.5 hours.
  • Her broviac is still plugged up, they are not going to remove it yet, just continue with regular blood draws in the arm (OHHHH THE JOY!) because it still flushes. I'm a little pissed at this, I really do enjoy holding my baby down when you send an amateur person in to draw her blood and it takes them an hour to get it.

    Pretty much Today can be over with, I want to go home and once I get home I'm packing my bags.


They have to do another CBC to check Mallory's potassium levels so my "Momcation" might be on hold. Please PLEASE let this be a fluke and have the next blood test come out fine!


I seriously HOPE we can get out of here today. Mallory's broviac still will not draw so she most likely will have this one removed and another one put in. So another surgery is probably on the agenda. I just hope they schedule it for next week outpatient instead of trying to fit it in this weekend.

I am in need of a Momcation, a weekend away from my kids, away from Cancer, away from the Hubstobe, just me myself and a few bottles of wine in a hotel room. Relaxing, recharging, and regathering myself. And I am taking that weekend this weekend if we get out of here at a decent time today.

Daddy will have a fun filled weekend with his girls. :-)

To be honest I have had a breakdown in front everyone in this hospital. I just can't get a grip. I'm pretty sure that they have a big red sticker in Mallory's file that says "MOM IS CRAZY". I was having a hard time accepting defeat, I hate leaning on people for help and support, so this is tough. But I am officially calling it "I am Ashley, and I am not capable of doing this on my own". So there, I'll stop being stubborn, I'll start asking for help, and we will survive this.

I get why some parents do go nuts. I hate it but I'm there and I'm calling a time out. I can't sleep because I'm always worked up about how little sleep I know I'll be getting. It never fails Mallory is always waking up around 5-6 and stays up till 8 when Jillian gets up. She doesn't go to bed till 12-1 (sometimes on an unlucky night 3am) and I get up every 1.5-2 hours with her to feed her. She only eats 2 ounces at a time, I've been cat napping for 3.5 months now. My mission this week is to set up a schedule with people to come over and watch the girls for a few hours everyday to take some of the weight off of my shoulders. I cringe every time she cries, I don't want to pick her up, sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and pretend I can't hear her. That's not how a Mother should feel about her baby, and It hasn't always been like this, I love her so much, Mommy just needs a break.

So I am hoping, praying, and pleading with them to let us go home today. I will be turning off my phone, checking into a hotel room and sleeping for 3 days straight.