Thursday, June 28, 2012

Clinic Visit

Her last catacolomine numbers were 19/15, and now they've shot up to 27.5/29.5. Which is a pretty drastic jump than they were before, this is not what we wanted to hear. Hopefully it is a dietary issue, although I watched her closely maybe something slipped through my Mom radar and made these levels fluctuate. We go back in 3 weeks for another urine test to see where we are at.

We just don't want this crap to come back, hasn't our poor dear sweet Mal been through enough? Let this be nothing but a bump in the road.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Silly Sweet Mallory

She goes in for her monthly clinic check on Thursday, she's been rocking at being such a sweet baby. We couldn't be more blessed <3 <3 <3

Friday, June 22, 2012

And we've got LIFT OFF!

Miss Mallory has been such a ham lately, she seriously couldn't be anymore relaxed.
She cut 3 teeth in 2 weeks and did not make a single peep about any of them! (This is one PROUD Momma!)
She's been basking in the sun, she's even CRAWLING. AHHHHHH!!!!
Another HUGE milestone for this little girl, its amazing what a different kid I have after we finished chemo.

Life Couldn't be anymore Perfect for our family.
We continue the cancer check-ups next week Thursday with a routine blood draw and a urine catacholomine test. Last time we did this her levels were 19 / 13! Which are AMAZING! So we just pray that they've stayed that low. She will have scans in August again but for now this family is just enjoy a lot of normal life.

We feel very blessed, tomorrow we celebrate our babies 9 month birthday. She fought cancer for 6 of those 9 months, it just feels surreal at this point to look back on. She's our little tough nugget! She's even sporting some hair now (although the pictures make it hard to tell since its SOOOO light blonde, but she rocked her first teeny tiny mohawk in the bath the other night)

Friday, June 15, 2012

Wedding Schmedding?

So yesterday I had this GREAT idea to plan a wedding in 3 weeks.
Ryan wasn't too keen on the idea.

We were supposed to get married on July 7th of this year, it was supposed to be a glorious sweet simple small wedding. Things got rocky between Mallory's chemo and our never ending arguing.

Something had to give, and for me that was planning our wedding. I honestly couldn't take on any more stress, I couldn't help but wonder if Mal's counts would be good enough to go, if we'd have an ER trip the day of our wedding, because at the time we were looking at Chemo going into her 1st Birthday pretty much, so I got stuck. I had enough of Cancer, of having it run our lives, arguing over EVERYTHING, I had enough of trying to juggle who was taking the girls, I had enough. I was tired of it, our little girl didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time, exhaustion made it impossible to get through the day. So between the constant yelling and bickering and misery we split, it was the worst idea I've ever had. Now there's a line that seperates us, that wasn't there before, a line that has to be mended, it has to be fixed now. I just don't know what else I could have done at the time, I just wanted out of the crap we'd been dealt, and Ryan was the only person to take it out on.

We've been together for 7 years. SEVEN GREAT AMAZING YEARS, I think yesterday I was feeling a bit of resentment towards myself for not being able to get married, because the only thing I want in the world right now is to marry my best friend. That's the only thing that matters to me.

I feel terrible, awful, miserable knowing that we were supposed to make that BIG STEP in 3 weeks and we can't. It was a great thought I suppose, we just have different expectations of having a wedding. I don't care who comes, I'd be happy with a Vegas wedding just the 2 of us, and Ryan wants a bigger wedding than I envision. It's a tricky, tough situation. Something we're just going to have to figure out. I've been bawling since last night and it just won't stop, when did life get so complicated on us?

This whole situation just breaks my heart, I just want to marry my best friend and spend the rest of my life with him. End of Story.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

What I've realized.

I take a LOT of pictures for 1.

In the last 9 months I've learned more about life than I can even fathom. There are days where my mind is going a million miles an hour, but especially after the kids go to bed. One of the biggest realizations I've made is that Life is Precious. It is a gift. It is one of the greatest gifts. I've been blessed with 2 beautiful girls, Cancer could have easily taken away one of the most amazing people that I have ever met and I am forever humbled by the experience. I loved my kids before all of that came in to play but after that life will never be the same. I smell my kids differently, I hug them differently, I talk to them differently. I have been given a gift through all of the hell. They mean the world to me.

Another realization I made was that having a 2nd child made me a better Mom. It made me less uptight and less judgmental. I'd be lying if I said I didn't judge other Mom's out there because I do. I also realize that they do things differently than I do because that's what works for them and I'm sure the same goes from me to them. I mean hell I'm sure I've gotten enough comments behind the computer screen about another picture of my 2 year old with a diet coke in hand, WHAT MOM DOES THAT. Well this Mom does that, although I'm trying to break the habit and it's going pretty well. I also try to surround myself with people that discipline there children in the same way as I do, therefor I am less likely to judge. I am not perfect, my kids are not perfect, but they will know Love and Respect. We believe that instilling a good childhood sets the foundation for the rest of there life. We have fun, we don't expect our children to be anything more there age, we adapt to different situations, and we discipline as needed. I can only hope that these values will work the way that we want them too and right now our lives couldn't be any better.

 There are things that if you would have asked me if I would have done before I had Mallory, I would have said you are out of your mind! Truth be told, If I need to make Mallory a bottle, I let Jillian hang out in the backyard while I go fetch a bottle. There is NO way I would have done that if she would have been our only child. I bribe when I bring her to the grocery store, so she will sit and behave, who doesn't love to much on a doughnut while you shop. I've given Mallory more cake in 2 months than I would have ever thought. (That girl deserves her some cake). I skipped almost right over baby food with Mallory because she would rather eat what we're eating, she doesn't let 2 teeth hold her back and I don't mind one bit. She had a peanut butter cookie her last night of chemo, I called it her chemo cookie, peanut butter at 6 months old, WHAT? I wake Mallory up when she's sleeping sometimes because we have to go somewhere, Wake a Sleeping Baby? NEVER!  These are just some ways that I've adapted as we go, because it's what we do, we learn, we adapt, we become better people. I've become a better person through having a 2nd child, a very sick child at that, because I've learned that to be a good Mom means that you have to adjust to every day, you have to adapt to every situation, and things don't always pan out the way that you want them to. I certainty didn't plan to have have a Child with cancer, but we adapted, it was tough, it sucked, it wasn't fun but it made us realize how great life truly is.

My relationship with Ryan is getting better, we're working out the kinks and ten years from now we're going to laugh looking back at this all. Fear breeds anxiety, and anxiety breeds fear, and it's a vicious cycle that has consumed me from the day our dear daughter was diagnosed. We've made a lot of huge steps to get back on track and I am finally back into the swing of things. Dinner has been made every day for a week straight, now if only I could get caught up on Laundry and the dishes (some Big 3 footer keeps turning it on "rinse only" so I've had to re-run it all the time, maybe i'll get the hang of just checking it before I send it). We're having fun, making memories, and enjoying the simple things in life. It feels great.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Perfectly Perfect.

We smooched our princess pie last week Friday as she went into sedation to have her broviac removed. What a joyful amazing day it was. Goodbye TUBE! It felt incredible to throw out her heparin. She always does so amazing through any procedure, even with the 12 hours of no food. She's not a big eater still although her thighs tell a different story.

I am ready to get over the baby food hump and start on big kid foods. She's currently working on breaking through her top 2 teeth, she has started crawling and attempts at doing "SOOO BIG"

So many tears have been shed the last few months, it feels good to start moving on finally. I am still dealing with a lot of anxiety about her being in remission but I have found a wonderful therapist that has my best interest in mind and hoping that we can get over this so I can learn better strategies to be the best mom and wifey that I can be.

We should hear tomorrow about her Catacholomine numbers again, praying that they are still normal and we won't see any spikes. Scans again in august, so at least we'll have our summer to not worry about Cancer as much. Not that we'll ever forget the tremendous strides we have gone through, not that we will forget the wonderful friends that we've made, and we won't ever forget the kids that have made such a huge impact and still do on our lives.

Mallory's 1st Big girl BATH! What a GREAT experience, she was a little freaked out at first but perked up and LOVED IT! I am hoping she'll be a water baby just like her big Sis.

Jillian and I have been quiet busy lately perfecting our Cake making skill's, she's pretty awesome at stirring and sitting on the counter helping me out. She say's "I STIR!" and "BIRDAY CAKE" the only problem is I have to hide every cake mix in this house because I'll ask her what she wants for a snack or dinner and she'll pull out a cake. I am a nice mom, but NOT that NICE! lol.

There will be many many bath pictures of the sis's together, ohhhh how I have longed for this moment. So sweet, so amazing, such a great feeling. We love our bath time in this family, it's a big part of the bedtime routine. 1. Bath 2. Brush Teeth 3. Read a Book 4. Say Prayers 5. Turn out the light. Jillian's new favorite book is "The Belly Button Book" by Susan Boyton pretty much she says "Bee-Boo" every time we turn the page and we can't help but giggle. She's a quick learner that's for sure. We've struggled the last month with getting back into a set "routine" at home, this goes for EVERYTHING even simple things including meals. What the heck do people cook when there home all the time? I am used to living off of hospital and fast food and whatever dish people would help us with. I guess now is the time to start begging for recipes. I did make some yummy fajita's tonight but of course forgot sour cream, lettuce, and peppers so it was rice, chicken and tortilla's, still good but it was for sure missing SOMETHING.

Jillian rocking some big girl undies. Totally not there yet with the whole potty training thing, we're working on learning to sit on the potty right now. Big Step for us, and for me, I have been struggling with this whole potty training thing, I swear the girl will be in diapers for the rest of her life with my lack of motivation lately. We will wait till she's ready and just encourage little things here and there to get her used to it.

My beautiful new raspberry colored walls and brightly colored curtains, I can't wait to add some great big giant pictures of the girls on the wall, make a new entertainment center and jazz it up a little bit. Once I am done with this room It's onto the KITCHEN! Which will be tougher than the living room, but totally worth making our house transition into a more "kid fun" grown up space. If that makes any sense. I am just done with the typical "house" decor.

Our wonderful neighboor spolied the girls with some delicious watermelon and cantaloupe the other day and we had ourselves a Watermelon party. Complete with a Nana and a Whisk. Everyone knows that you have to "I STIR" a watermelon before eating it. The girls have been enjoying being outside all the time lately, it's been AMAZING. Now we need it to heat up a little bit so we can have some fun pool time again! Jillian totally rocks at swimming, she jumps right off of the ladder and into the water, she is sooooooooo cute to watch swim.

One of the things I've been looking forward to for a very long long time is "ART" time in our house, and we sure do a lot of it. We color multiple times a day and pull out the paint once or twice a week. Today was an extra special paint day because my little nephew Zach had a sleepover last night and helped us paint. They made me the BEST posters for my hallway walls ever. I am a sucker for art by kids, seriously who doesn't love paint covered in glitter to display on the walls? I also have a really hard time getting rid of any scribbles my sweet peanut Jill does, She is serious about her scribbles. I adore them, they mean so much to me and the added "I COWLOOOO" "PERPUL" help a little bit too.

 These 2 girls mean the world to me.

I don't strive to be the "perfect" mom, the most "perfect" relationship, with the most "perfect" house, and the most "perfect" children (They are perfect to me, but lets face it, my 2 year old likes diet coke and my 8 month old sleeps with a bottle in her mouth), . To hell with that I say, we're just us, and I am perfectly content with just that, it's perfectly perfect to me.