Mushy Gushy Momcologist

Their is something so amazing about your child taking her 1st steps. From that first breath of life, to rolling over, to sitting up, to scooting around the room and on furniture but their is something so magical about those tiny toes grazing the floor. Well we are please to announce for the past 3 nights Mallory has taken 4 steps each night. Her little wiggly diaper butt standing in front of me, taking steps like's she's known how to her entire life. It's just amazing, gut wrenching amazing.

 The thing is, I thought milestones wouldn't be as big of a deal with our 2nd one, we've seen them before. But that's not true at all. They are just as incredible as when Jillian did them. Seeing our girls morph from completely helpless to little tiny people is just so hard to describe. It's magical. 

 This month I've been in and out of tears, thinking of all of the amazing moments we have achieved these past 7 years. As we lived in our first apartment, to our 2nd apartment, and then buying a house. Then it was onto the "baby stage" in our life, where we brought home this precious newborn for the first time and fumbled with EVERYTHING. Where we drove 20 miles on the highway, then couldn't figure out how to get her wiggly arms in the sleeves of her clothes, to nursing and failing at that, then learning that she was going to thrive no matter what, from making baby food, to learning how to let go of her so I could take a shower without her actually in my bathroom and that too she would survive. And that sweet girl that we took home is going to be 3 before we know it. 

I am amazed at how much easier it was to bring home Mallory, how much more fluent we were. That it was ok to take a detour on our way home to grab diet cokes, to giving her baths, and realizing her arms really where more sturdy than we thought, that she would be ok mingling on her own while I got a quick power shower in. Then to her fighting to cancer, well that was tough, but within those bad days we learned that she was stronger than even we knew. And she graced through being a baby and to being a very very sick child to a resilient amazing little girl who continues to amaze us. She's physically on target in every milestone, it took her sometime to sit up but once she got it that was the end of our sweet peanut sitting still. To say the least, the walking is just amazing. No she's not doing it all the time but it's still a HUGE step. From thinking that she wasn't going to make it to see this day makes it so very special.

 And our dear sweet Jillian, she is so smart. She started saying her alphabet around 2 and now she can tell us the sounds that the letters make, she can count to 20 without skipping 13 & 14 now (we've worked on that one for a LONG time!), and she's constantly amazing us with the things she picks up on. She says "Peease", "Tank Oooo" and "Wuv Oooo" randomly and much more than that. If you sneeze that little girl is right behind you saying "Bwess Oooo".

I don't know when I gave these girls permission to grow up but they're doing it right before our eyes and I cannot thank God enough for blessing us with these little tiny souls. They are so magical.

These past few weeks we've been really getting into the "grove" of things, between making beds, daily chores, and getting our house to the house that we want has been amazingly motivating. Our living room is looking spectacular, I started it while we were waiting the 6 weeks between Mal's last round of chemotherapy and her scans. Well I neglected one wall and some touch ups at the ceiling, well I FINALLY finished! I got a bunch of pictures hung on the wall, we finally bought a new entertainment center to replace our chinsy one we've had for 7 years, which held a TV it just wasn't in the greatest condition anymore. Now I need to update the pictures and it will officially feel like "home". Our Bathroom was finished right before our Baby Party with Mallory and that just turned out incredible, and we have an extra deep bathtub which is amazing. I soaked a TON while I was pregnant with Mal (with Jillian I was stuck using a shower so the bath was a nice addition). Our Kitchen is officially done being painted, now I just have to transform these thrift store frames into something magical. The theme for the house is modern with a kid twist, so we have a lot of bright fun colors but they all pull together to make it look not like we live in crayon town :-p. I can't wait to finish (although I doubt it will ever be truly finished but hey I am ok with that)

We've got scans in about 2 weeks for Mallory, so please send out some prayers for her. Her numbers where obviously a little on the high side this past time and we just need all the prayers we can get.

Crummmmmmy Thursday

I just had a downright cruddy day.

1. I woke up late. (Only a 1/2 an hour but I had to power shower before we headed out for clinic and make sure my hair was pretty good so we could get our family pictures done.)

2. I threw a bunch of clothes in the washer, I showered, got the girls up, threw them (well ok not threw) in the tub, did my hair while they bathed, I hear a massive rattling downstairs. Lovely. Washer is not working right.

3. Made it to Clinic with Mallory, met with her oncologist, he showed us pictures of the original tumor and what it looks like now. Phew, makes you feel more at ease seeing that, the chemotherapy did a number on that stupid Neuroblastoma. We spent 3 hours total in clinic today, most of it waiting, they also took her urine to do a Catacholomine test.

4. As we're leaving clinic, Ryan plays a message on his phone, our car is officially ca-put. Totaled. Blah, way to go ash, way to go. At least I have a Great Husband that laughed and shrugged it off.

5. Made it home, laid Mallory down for a nap, hung out with Jillian while she played with Play-dough, I proceeded to clean out my "craft" closet which has been a MESS. I could barely shut the door, but I moved all the totes of toys out of their and into Jillian's closet (you know the massive amount of little leggo's, kitchen food, that she does not NEED all of them out at once.)

6. Got the call shortly after my cleaning spree that Mallory's numbers are elevated, not enough to concern the doctors, but enough to concern me. In August they were 19.4 / 13.5 and now there 33.6 / 16.7, as a mom the worst thing that comes to mind is "relapse", so my once again amazing Husband told me to just go about with daily life and try not to stress myself sick. But easier said than done, I just want to get to the year point, I don't want to wish away the time we have but seriously can we just hit a year, can we just put all of this cancer shit behind us, at least when we hit a year her chances significantly decrease. Because every time I think about it, I just want it to be DONE.  Every time a bump happens it makes me sick, it makes me so afraid, my fears surface once again. Cancer has enlightened me, but it has also taught me mortality, and life is precious and I just want this little life the rest of my life. Because I love her with all of my heart and more. So I'm going to try really hard to get through this next month, I'm going to try not to cry, and I'm going to try to keep living like I was before but sometimes it's just downright hard to deal with.Especially because they use catacholomines as a rough number, they can be effected by diet, but they also can be effected by diet, so its tough to know whats going on until her scans, but I just pray that it was the applesauce I fed to her because we followed her intake of the list we've been given to a T.

It's hard to know that my daughter is harboring a tumor no matter the size of it, I praise the Lord that it's smaller, but I just want it gone, I don't want it to be in her tiny little body, I just want it OUT.

7. Jillian and I went and bought felt and poodle's and rick rack edging, and after we got the girls in they're pajamas I headed off to my Mom's and she helped me sew they're cute little skirts up for Halloween so at least I have another thing checked off my list.

It by far wasn't the worst day I've ever had, but I've had much better days. Much less frustrating, much less emotional, but in each day we take we just keep pushing forward no matter the thing's life has dealt us, we just keep going. It's all we can do. Some days are just downright tough.

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty, the glass never empty
And know in your belly, you're never alone

May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having
As every year passes, they mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest as much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly, this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Our little life.

Every day we make it through is a GREAT day. Even the not so good ones are great.

I haven't known what to write for quiet sometime now. I am happy that we get to be just a "normal" family, that does extraordinary things. Even if to most they are just "normal".

October is our CRAZY Birthday month, the one month of our the year were we are swamped with parties for our families. It feels great that we get to celebrate but even Mallory has been able to as well. Jillian adores her "Birday Parties with Birday Cake".

The funny thing about Jillian is the things she says. Each day it's something new.

"I needs it off, barbie is neekied and DAUNCING" - seriously kid, seriously. Barbies are not allowed to have clothes any longer, it concerns me just a smidge :-p

We went grocery shopping the other day and all the girl wanted was some "dinaSOOOUUUURRR toof brushes" to use with her "Toof paste".

Banana's are called "Bunumanums" and Milk is "Mickey Milk".

I am in love with this age, we're getting to the tough part where I must start trying to potty train her, and also the "no, no, no" phase. But ehhh it's still fun. Honestly it's been an amazing experience watching her grow. I am thankful for her sweet smiling face everyday.

Last week Saturday I was driving to a baby shower and was not paying enough attention and I stopped at a stop sign and saw that the street I had to turn on was to the left, so without thinking it entirely through I just went left. I then was hit by another car. One of the things I've struggled with for a long time is the thought of one of my children dying. I've had recurrent nightmares of pulling my dead child out of a car covered in blood. It's gotten better with the help from my therapist and finally realizing that these dreams are just a reminder that we are not invincible. Having been in an accident that thankfully everyone walked away from unharmed is a reminder of how fast things can be taken away from us. I just thank the Lord for watching out for us, for keeping us safe, and for teaching me another valuable lesson. I am sorry to the poor girl I hit, I am sorry for scarring my little Jillian, and to my husband who has had to deal with all the insurance crud. I am just so thankful we are safe.

Tomorrow marks another clinic day for Mallory. It is the usual urine catacholomine test, along with her doctor finally sitting down with us and showing us scans. We have not seen a scan since her CT was done when she was diagnosed, although I put all of my faith in her doctor to take care of our beautiful little girl, I still would like to see first hand what she fought and how far she's come. We got her blood work back that her Pediatrician ordered and it was what we needed to see to feel a little bit more at ease. I cannot thank the Lord enough for giving her such a great ped, who empathizes with us, who is open to suggestions, and who always leads us in the right direction.

Something I would like to share is how far Mallory has come. Seriously this little girl is a rockstar, if you could meet her 1st hand you would NEVER know anything was ever wrong with her. She is smart, witty, and stubborn and absolutely perfect. She mimics us talking, she only gets mad if she's hungry or big sis steals something from her (or it's bedtime), but she flows through the days with such grace and always a beautiful smile on her face. She has the sweetest laugh, it just melts me every time I get to hear it. She is also starting to stand up on her own without holding onto anything, another big milestone for her, she took a step today with her push toy, and what a sight that was. She just is resilient, just amazing.

I am also making massive life changing things, one of those involves my shotty house wife skills. Now to say the least we've had 2 kids. From going to adjusting to 1 (who started the world out with colic), then to being pregnant with a 1 year old, then to having 2 kids under 2, and then having our new sweet baby diagnosed with cancer, I really haven't had a whole lot of time to "adjust" to life. Not that I'd change anything about my life, but I can say first hand that I'm really not that spiffy at house wife skills.

We finally had our kitchen painted, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I feel like know that we finally have our home "perfectly perfect" for us, it just makes it worth it to keep it looking nice. So made beds, vacuumed floors, and picked up toys are a must most of the days lately. I try to keep the sink pretty clean as well (don't look right now though, it's full of dishes lol), laundry that's just not my cup of tea, but at least I'm doing a better job at it. I just feel like I'm making huge strides to getting my house to the way that makes it the easiest for us to live in, so that we can enjoy our children to the maximum, and so that we may not stress over it every single day. I am just happy we're getting there finally, but of course I am not stressed about it, I've just been putting more effort into it lately and it feels great!! (I promise to go around my house and take pictures, because I am pretty proud of all the things we've done!)

Closure.

 Goodbye to Mallory's 1st year of life.
It was one hell of a ride.
Goodbye to the tears, we welcome this 2nd year of life with open arms. 

 Ok, with a lot more "Peek-a-boo's" and "Where is MALLORY?"
We get to now really embrace our lives, the one that God has blessed us with.
This little life.

and this one too.

 Somedays are tough, really tough, but nothing can compare to what this past year has been.
It makes the bad days seem not that bad.
When I have one child on my leg crying for attention and the other one jumping on my shoulders.
It's Not that bad.

I get it, I totally get it.

This year is about US.
It's about THEM.

It's about healing, healing, and moving on.
It's about forgiving those that abandoned us.
It's about forgiving the mistakes that have been made.
It's about forgetting the things we lost, and embracing the things we have.
It's about finding our purpose.
It's about becoming one.
It's about leaving the ugly behind.
It's about being selfish and embracing our children.
It's about working toward the ultimate goal.
And that ultimate goal for me, is to let go.
Get Free, and FLY FLY FLY. 

 These are OUR kids. They rock. They are worth every single moment of everyday. They are my prizes. It's about saying goodbye to "Sweet Baby Mallory" and saying Hello to our "Sweet Little Girls" Because this year it's all about THEM.

So as we continue this journey through cancer, through it's many different stages, we will hopefully get to enjoy many things that don't revolve around that anymore. There will be tests, there will be scans, but life gets to move on in between. And no matter which road it takes us, we're just living the days that we have to the fullest. So this is "Sweet Baby Mallory's" blog and we will continue to update, but we're gonna add some spunk, share some of our craziness with both of our kids, and keep it as a reminder of what we've done, what she's done, and what we're made of and how far we've come.

For us.
FOR THEM.