I've tried to keep a hopeful spirit about Mal, she is my perfect sweet baby girl. My world revolves around the girls, they mean everything to me. 7 months ago my world came crashing down, cancer? seriously cancer?
I am still in shock, 7 months later. The thing about cancer is, it changes you, it makes you fight harder, it makes you take in more of life, it makes you grateful for the days that you have. It is also haunting, extremely haunting.
Mal's cancer stumped her doctors, how does a 2 month old get double adrenal tumors? They didn't know how to formally treat it, the fact that standard protocol didn't work even though she has the non-amplified favorable neuroblastoma, so we took a different route that would hopefully neuter the cancer. Now It's time to sit back and wait since right now the cancer is in remission (meaning : it's quiet). She still has a mass that's just sitting there, and we just wait. I think the fact that her numbers climbed up the scale makes me nervous, are we just waiting around for the cancer to re-manifest itself?
She's been able to be a baby for the past 1 and 1/2 months now, its been amazing. I am cherishing every second, but not a second goes by where I don't worry about her.
The tears come and go and I relive the fear that she just might not make it. That we will live another nightmare, and how does one make it through this? I'm not supposed to think of what could happen, I try to stay positive but when your daughter has cancer all you can think about is what if she doesn't make it. What do we do? I keep having visions of her dying all the time. I have visions of Mallory dying on the operating table, what if they had to remove that tumor? I have visions of having to make the choice to stop treatment. I just can't figure out how to cope, and not any amount of therapy is going to make this go away until we are YEARS out. I just want to watch Mallory blossom into a little girl, one with no worries in the world, I just need her to keep going. The things I've watched her do amaze me, she is in love with her big sister, she is always smiling, she just lights up at the site of us. I just can't miss anything, I can't wait to see her walk, and to celebrate her birthday, and to watch all of the amazing milestones that are coming.
I am carrying on everyday with the hopes that this will someday be over, that someday it'll be just a distant memory. I still struggle, I struggle everyday with this. Hopefully this number jump is just a bump in the road but fear has once again taken over.