Monday, January 2, 2012


I pretty much couldn't get off the couch today. I know we are all entitled to days like this but I am feeling overall just downright crummy.

Not a good way to start the year.

I cried today, I haven't had a good cry in a couple weeks. My baby has cancer, she's grouchy and doesn't sleep well. I am having a hard time with that, I love her so much and yet I can't help but not want to get out of my bed in the morning.

My daily routine used to be easier, a lot easier. Now I have to worry about medications, flushing Mallory's brociac, finding time to make breakfast and lunch for Jillian. Getting to apts on time. I can't seem to fit any type of housework or even a shower into that because I'm just too busy moping around, changing diapers, wiping boogers, and trying to stay sane.

Mallory all of a sudden is very irritable, its been soon difficult to watch her go through this. I have no idea if she's got an upset stomach, if she doesn't feel well, there is no magic cancer reader to tell me how to make her feel better. To tell me what's wrong with her. All I know is there are things I can try and they just are not working. She still doesn't eat much either. I wouldn't be surprised if she lost weight this week.

We have our next clinic visit this Thursday, then chemo round #2 next week Thursday. Then we will have another CT scan, ecogardiogram and catacolomine test to see if the chemo is working. I pray that it is.

I am having a hard time taking care of myself, let alone 2 kids and one of them that has cancer. For the next few months I am going to scrape by. I just don't know how else to make this a more manageable situation. I just don't know. I put on a brave face for everyone but I am falling apart. This is my baby girl and I can't do a damn thing.