Today has been grand. Just spectacular for many different reasons.
For one the ladies from the September Baby Center Board have created a thread to help out family paying for the cost of the ALK test. They have raised 1/2 of the money we will need to pay for the test and we cannot THANK THEM ENOUGH! You ladies are a bunch of rock stars!
This generosity is just amazing! I will still be fighting the insurance company tooth and nail to pay for it, this being said that if we are able to get them to cover the cost we WILL be donating all of the money to support Childhood Cancer and to help all of these beautiful children. There are so many amazing organizations out there that have supported us through these times and many of the kids we have met need just as much help as we do. For everyone that has ever helped us just know we have your back if anything were to ever happen to your family. We thank God each and everyday for the outpouring support and love everyone has shown us and NONE of it goes unappreciated.
Some more amazing news that we received today was that one of the dear sweet peanuts that has stolen my heart had AMAZING scans come back and will be finishing her home run stretch of chemo along with Mallory at Helen Devos this week. Her family means the world to me, her mom was one of the first people that opened themselves up to me at the hospital. Her daughter just turned 3, she also has Stage 4 Neuroblastoma as well. Mallory and Kady were diagnosed right around the same time, although they have different protocols (because of the difference in there age) we have been able to share our stories openly and help support each other through every step of the process. Kady will be entering the next step of treatment, but finishing chemo is amazing for her. GO KADY GO! We are rooting for you girly!
Ryan and I had a nice long conversation as well. No harsh words were said, we discussed our situation, and we are making progress.
In the nicest way possible he opened my eyes to the bigger picture "I am an overall emotionally sensitive controlling biotch" ok so he totally did not call me a biotch but I couldn't think of a better word lol.
In our world there has been Ryan "the provider" and me "the caregiver". I have been a stay at home Mom for 2.5 years now, my world revolves around taking care of the girls, going to appointments, and cleaning and maintaining out home. Ryan has been providing for us by working his butt off, making sure all of our basic needs are met, and creating the least stress possible financially for our family. This scenario WORKED for us, we had to no issues whatsoever UNTIL Cancer came into the picture. I am unable to take care of the things I used to because my vision is fogged by cancer, it has been blinding. It smacked me upside the head and took away the control that I have. So since Mallory has been diagnosed and there is NOTHING I can do to better her outcome I have allowed myself to fall apart. I can no longer remain in the "role" that I was so comfortable doing because there is just no time to focus on the things that I was once doing. I take things out of context, fly off the handle, and mistake the simplest statements and turn them into something they just are not. I am for sure at fault for this, it is my personality type (THANKS MOM! hehehe). I would like to clarify the fact that I said "that Ryan gets to go to work", I did not mean this in the way that it came off online. He works his ASS off to provide for us, something simply I cannot give him enough credit for. I am very blessed to be able to stay home with my children, something so many moms do not get to do and for this I am very grateful. I have not been able to find an "escape" and part of me is jealous that he has something that will take his mind off of the situation, where I am the "caregiver" for our children and for the past 2.5 years it's been my main focus and it's ALL that I've focused on. I wish I was able to allow myself to get absorbed into something to ease what is going on in our lives is what I meant (and Ryan is a total geek about the AMAZING things he does and I wish I could steal some of his enthusiasm and intelligence!). I am very proud of him, I have never for one second thought that he was not a "GREAT" provider for our family. We both have definite sure things we need to work on, so guess what we're doing? We're going to work on them! I love Ryan with all my heart and he loves me just as much.
We will be spending some much needed time apart, not because we want to be separated or live in different houses but because we need to. To get ourselves back in a better place. I talked to my primary doctor today and will be enrolling into counseling to get my head back in the game, but we will also be working together to save our relationship and better ourselves for not only us but for Jillian and Mallory. We are hoping by taking this step that it will lead to a more stable, loving, and enjoyable environment. So that down the road we NEVER EVER EVER come into a situation like this again. We have realized that our relationship will never survive if continue to keep going the way that we are, so we have 2 chooses, give up or fight. And we are not a family that is ever going to just "give up".
So Ryan Wiersma you are a ROCK STAR of a Dad, an AMAZING AMAZING Significant Other, times are tough and the road is bumpy but by golly we're gonna make it through this. Our girls are going to grow up knowing that each and everyday we fight for our family. That we are in it for the long run. And Once again people will be envious of our love for each other, our dedication, and our strength. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN EVER SAY!