Thursday, March 15, 2012

In a perfect world

everyone would have love :-)

I am feeling incredibly blessed tonight.

For one my punky is HOME again! Her numbers SHOT up over night and she has been surrounded by so much love from people near and far through this whole journey. 

Our CT is on Wednesday we will have the results by next week Thursday, I am on my hands and knee's praying for some good news, even if its just a little, I just need to know that we are going in the right direct.

Dear Lord, I am giving you my burdens, my daughter's health, and every plan you have for our family and laying them at your feet. Let it be your will to work miracles in our lives, to give us strength and healing.

I believe my mental breakdown had to happen, it had to. Not only to analyze our lives, but our situation, our relationship. It taught me most importantly take the help I am offered. I am a stubborn, stubborn person and it's to the point where I NEED people to tell me it's time to step back. Let someone else take a turn, have faith in others when I have no faith left, when I have nothing left to give, that it's ok. It's ok to ask for help, it's ok to be weak, it's ok to walk away for a little bit.

My daughters will benefit from a more stable mother, and so will my family and Ryan. I know all 3 of them will understand why Mommy takes a break, why Mommy needs time for herself.

I have decided to seek help. Being able to lay the weight of my shoulders on an empty ear sounds like the right move. Tomorrow I am on a search for a good therapist, I will have to make time for this. I was going to wait till after Mallory was better because my life is hectic as it is but this will ONLY make me grow as a person, it will only help me cope, it will only help me heal. To save my relationship with Ryan, Our families and my friends this is the best choice for myself. I am on a low dose antidepressant and recently added an anti-anxiety med to help, so hopefully in combination with both I can become a solid solid wall.

I feel like Ryan and I are 10 steps ahead again, we talked, sorted through the madness and came up with a game plan to make this less stressful on both of us. To make it easier on the girls too! So proud of us, we had a civil conversation with no fighting, no screaming, and no bickering. Just honest real answers. It was PERFECT, just what we needed! The number one thing we are going to work on in our home and with our children is first and foremost Encouragement and Praise. I don't think we do enough of this but I want my girls to know when they are doing a really great job, I want to hear when I am doing a great job, and I want Ryan to know he's doing a great job! We have decided that there is a "pause" button (How I met your Mother idea) for when we need to have a "Parent Time OUT" so we can sit for 5 minutes, gather ourselves, and become more rational, realistic people. There were many many things discussed but this are some of the BIG issues (that might not seem bit to some people but to us they are HUGE!) Our hospital stays will be divided up as well, we will come up with a game plan for each week and go from there.