Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The waiting game

We are scheduled for Chemo this Friday at 11:30.

Today I am nauseous. Sick to my stomach. We are playing the waiting game once again.

Dear Lord, please HEAR my prayers. Please look over my baby, please keep her safe, please let her live the rest of her life. You gave this child to me for a reason, and I just need her. Please heal her. I am having a hard time keeping faith right now, please heal this as well. Amen.

There was no news on the MNYC amplification yet again today. We knew that it would be later in the week, I just held out some hope that we would get some answers so we can start looking forward. I am having a hard time today. I sat on the kitchen floor Jillian cuddled up in my lap and Mallory sitting in her bouncer and just cried and cried and cried. I smelled their hair, I touched their skin, I just cried.

I know that I HAVE to stay positive, that I NEED TO BE STRONG. I have faith that my Malibu is a fighter, but I am having a hard time keeping my mind focused on the goal right now and that's because there is so much unknown. Please let this tumor be no different that the last one, please let this chemo work.

She just amazes me, as I cried and cried and cried, she giggled and giggled and giggled. I wish I knew what babies were thinking. I just cannot lose her. I can't. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat.

Life doesn't go the way you plan it, it just happens, there is a reason for every season. Right now I am struggling, struggling so much. The last 2 months have been so slow, every day it just drags, every phone call puts my stomach in knots, every little thing bogs me down. I keep telling myself we will all be ok, we will come out of this stronger than ever. We already have come so far. Now we just wait for the rest of the puzzle to come together, and please let it have every single piece.


  1. I am praying very hard as well. My prayers are so deep. Actually, I have placed Mallory on church prayer lists, shared with friends and family, etc. There are so many people in Florida praying for Mallory, and Florida is a huge state--so there are many prayers going her way. May God bring complete healing to Mallory and have you continue to have faith, even in your darkest, why is this happening, moments. God bless you all.

  2. Sometimes waiting is worse then the actual event. It allows you to really dwell and imagine things that most likely won't happen. I have major issues with waiting. Thank God it's Wednesday. Ashley- could you mother watch Mallory for a few hours today? Maybe you could take Jillian out- even to Target or Walmart to look at toys, and eat McDonalds. Just to do something normal. I think you would feel better, just two hours-it will make a difference.