Monday, January 2, 2012


I pretty much couldn't get off the couch today. I know we are all entitled to days like this but I am feeling overall just downright crummy.

Not a good way to start the year.

I cried today, I haven't had a good cry in a couple weeks. My baby has cancer, she's grouchy and doesn't sleep well. I am having a hard time with that, I love her so much and yet I can't help but not want to get out of my bed in the morning.

My daily routine used to be easier, a lot easier. Now I have to worry about medications, flushing Mallory's brociac, finding time to make breakfast and lunch for Jillian. Getting to apts on time. I can't seem to fit any type of housework or even a shower into that because I'm just too busy moping around, changing diapers, wiping boogers, and trying to stay sane.

Mallory all of a sudden is very irritable, its been soon difficult to watch her go through this. I have no idea if she's got an upset stomach, if she doesn't feel well, there is no magic cancer reader to tell me how to make her feel better. To tell me what's wrong with her. All I know is there are things I can try and they just are not working. She still doesn't eat much either. I wouldn't be surprised if she lost weight this week.

We have our next clinic visit this Thursday, then chemo round #2 next week Thursday. Then we will have another CT scan, ecogardiogram and catacolomine test to see if the chemo is working. I pray that it is.

I am having a hard time taking care of myself, let alone 2 kids and one of them that has cancer. For the next few months I am going to scrape by. I just don't know how else to make this a more manageable situation. I just don't know. I put on a brave face for everyone but I am falling apart. This is my baby girl and I can't do a damn thing.


  1. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine what you are going through, yet realize how strong and wonderful of a person you are. Your posts inspire so many. I wish I could help more, and say the right things to make you feel better. My mother is a cancer survivor, and I can feel for everything you say. You have a right to have down days, feel sad, frustrated, all of it. It's all part of it what you are going through. I am going to pray my heart out for you, Mallory, and your family. Please turn to prayer and people who will give you strength. I know it sounds cliche, but it's the only way. Please continue to post, to let us all know how sweet Mallory and your family is doing--good, bad, all of it. GOD BLESS YOU. You are very special.

  2. Ashley you and Ryan are doing a wonderful job. Keep doing the best you can and you will pull through even stronger. I have three healthy children and I go through the same exhaustion, messy house, and days I just dont want to get out of bed. Your feelings and stress are even more warrented with everything you are going through with Mallory. Keep your head high you are doing GREAT!

    Ashley (a previous co-worker of Robbs)

  3. Praying for Mallory, You, Ryan and Jillian....that Jesus will surround you all in His peace and comfort. Remember, he knows our worries and feels our pain.