Tuesday, January 10, 2012

There is good days and then theres bad.

I am on the clock 24/7, I take care of my 2 year old, and my 3 month old with Cancer.

Today was another bad day. I think once I make it 3 days on little to no sleep the 4th day is always the worst, it's the day when I reach my breaking point, where there are tears streaming down my eyes and I just don't want to get up. I want to give up, commit myself to an institution and just say "I'm DONE".

Because I knew going in having 2 kids so close in age would be rough, exhausting, and draining. But lets just through a hole pile of shit (aka Cancer) at our family to make it even tougher and see how long one can stay mentally sane.

We went to clinic yesterday and Mallory's ANC was still low, so they gave her a neupogen injection to raise her counts. Which is great, fine, dandy but then not give her ANYTHING to make her feel better. I love having a miserable child that I can't help. It makes one feel AMAZING that they cannot do anything to help there own baby. All I can do is hold her, cry with her, and pray that the next few months will be over. That I can just wake up from this stupid nightmare called Cancer. They sit there and tell me that there is nothing they can do for her because she is so small, because she should be fine. But really? How many kids go through chemo feeling great? How many adults? Just because my child cannot speak does not mean she does not feel pain, that she doesn't feel sick, that she's doing just fine. Because you trying living with Mallory, she's a miserable child since this all started. It's like she knows, and I know she loves us, she knows we're doing this to save her.

I wish this year away more than anything.

The nurses keep telling me I'm doing a great job, that I can do it, that I can make it. But I'm not so sure. I'm slowly withering to pieces, I'm breaking down, I'm falling apart.


  1. Your doing everything possible for your LO and the rest of your family. You can only do so much for so long before you need something done for you. Wether a cup of coffee or a chat with a friend, you have try and step away for a few minutes. Your daughter knows you are doing all of this for her and someday she will thank you. Big hugs to you right now and know how many people, complete strangers like myself as well, are constantly thinking about you. Lots of love from California <3

  2. I can't imagine what it's like for you, I lived with my mom with cancer, but that's nothing compared to a child. Do you have extended family that can help you right now? Friends that can help when you just need a break. I'm thankful that Mallory has you as a mom who loves her so much, and even at her age she knows that. It's good that you are so honest, because you wouldn't be human, or real, if you didn't have frustrations and really bad bad moments. When my mom was sick, I had a share group of people who were going through the same thing. That led to connections where I found out resources that could help you. It also gave me more sanity and a little peace when I thought I was at my breaking point. There were a lot of other really bad things in my life as well as my mom's sickness. There were times I didn't have the energy, or even desire, to go about my day. Somehow I did though. Look around for resources, groups, people, that can help you right now. Mallory, you, and your family are in my prayers.

  3. Having had a baby in the NICU and born with a chronic problem I understand how you are feeling. See if your insurance covers a visiting nurse....also, see if your state child services covers a health aide. It might give you a break even for an hour a day. Just to lay down and take a rest. Hang in there, one hour at a time. :)

  4. It's okay to break down once in a while, in fact, it is entirely normal. I don't know you in "real life," but I can tell by reading your posts that you are an amazing mother! Both of your daughters can feel how much you love them. A child being diagnosed with cancer is one of those things in life that I will never understand. I don't think any of us can comprehend it, we can just hope that it never happens to us, to our baby. You are doing 100 times better than what I would imagine I would do. You can only take it one day at a time. Wake up, breath, smile once in a while, and cuddle your babies because before you know it this cancer will all be a distant memory and you'll be watching Mallory walk down the aisle on her wedding day. Life truly does suck, but then your baby smiles at you and you remember why you're doing this all again.

    -Rhiana in PA